When a person moves away, they stops existing.
“Don’t be a stranger” they say, but that’s exactly what one becomes.
All of it, normal. Does it help dealing with the fact of what I became? Nope.
I moved away from people.
Changed country.
Changed job.
Both of those took a toll on me, the country a bigger fee on my heart. The job? A bigger hit on the pride.
For awhile, I kept talking and things seemed to be weirdly normal.
People grow apart when they are apart. Nature. Natural.
So, naturally, the conversations became sparse, in frequency and then in words.
Then it stopped.
I also stopped.
For me the biggest difference is this: if you didn’t move, for you, nothing changes. One person left, big deal, life goes on. Nature. Natural.
I was the one that moved away.
I was the one that took my grassy roots and planted myself on cold and wet terrain. And perhaps,
I should be the one making a bigger effort. Yet,
I’m tired to try to be where I am, so I don’t try to be where I’m not.
I become disconnected. Nature. Natural.
*intermission* Should’ve also prefaced all of it by saying that I’m a hard guy to deal with. Wife knows, mom and dad knows and I believe about 5 more people know this. They are not fooled by the instagram posts. *end of intermission*
Working on a company that gave up on you, makes things harder. Being a father of 3 on a foreign country, even more.
Are those excuses? Well, sometimes I use them as a cloak, however, it’s a fact they exist and impact my life in a big way, especially being a father.
I suck at being a good father. I am trying, but man, this is hard. Maybe it’s because I refuse to hand a phone to my kid so I can have a moment of peace. I prefer to be there. But
I’m not here for me. How can I be there for them? And
If I’m not there for them, how can I be there for the ones I left beforehand?
If I’m not there for the ones I love, how can I be there for the ones I once liked?
So I slowly stop existing for the ones I don’t see.
Being honest? At work, I stopped existing even for the ones I do see.
I moved away.
I moved from the country it was once mine.
I moved from the job I worked hard to get to.
I stopped existing for those I left behind. Nature. Natural.
If it wasn’t for social network, I believe I would’ve seized to exist a long time ago.
I left some footprints in the cybernetic world that attracted the people that used to be with me. They saw residues of what I was when I was with them and that’s what brings us together.
Once I started posting less, you see less of what you liked about me.
Once I started checking it, I see less of what I liked about you. Then we grow apart. Nature. Natural.
All of this is very logical, right? All of it makes sense to most. Maybe not the part of seizing to exist, that’s how I see it. In my own loneliness, I feel that I slowly become a good memory in the mind of those who once knew me. Somebody they used to know.
When I moved away, I stopped existing.
So I write. It’s not the why I write, but a good reason to do so.
Words tend to live longer than expected. For good and for bad.
I may be fading.
Your memory of me may fade. Yet
These words will carry some of me and, once read, these will show you who Wes once was.
Right now, this is who I am. Tomorrow, I believe I’ll be the same.
This loneliness won’t go away overnight and no matter how many words I write, they will never keep me company, that privilege is reserved for the poet.
I moved away.
I moved away from the country I once loved and the job I once liked.
I forgot and was forgotten. Normal. Nature. Natural. So,
I wrote these words for me to remember how I felt today, how I’ve been feeling for the last few years.
I hope in the future I’m able to write different words, better words, easier to read words, easier to write words.
Right now, this is who I am.